A World of Contradictions
by OverlyDramatic
Summary: I love Dasey, but I couldn't resist. More sarcastic satire. Which terms are actually synonymous.


Yes, I am aware that I should be writing FoF. Unfortunately, I'm stuck. I found some old notes pertaining to a sarcasm story, so I decided to write this instead, because my brain doesn't have to be working for me to be sarcastic. It just comes naturally. Plus I don't have to worry about staying in character.

**Disclaimer: Like, I totally don't own this show, lol. How funny is it that you thought I did?**

AN:// Isn't it cool how I used the author note like I was typing in a url? O kay, so evun thow almost all werd prosecers have spel cheque, myne dusnt, sow yul just hav to deul with iyt. And btw, I didunt finush thwyd grayd.

Casey was sitting on the couch after dinner, reading, watching TV and generally waiting for her only stepbrother (wait, she has two?) to come home so she could argue with him, when Derek walked through the door.

"What's your problem?" she asked immediately, because even though Derek is a master at hiding his emotions, Casey immediately guessed something was different.

"I'm dating Emily," he replied immediately, rather than drawing the situation out and teasing her before dropping the bomb. This is because he now had genuine feelings for Emily, despite the fact that a month earlier he had viciously and cruelly broken her heart.

"What?" Casey screamed. "You're just using her! You don't really like her!" As if that would actually help anything.

"You're wrong, Casey!" he yelled back in offended tones. "I really like her this time!"

She scoffed and ran up the stairs, despite the fact that she started the argument in the first place.

The next day she tried to warn Emily, but Emily wouldn't listen. Imagine that.

"But Emily, remember last time?" she pleaded.

"Casey, I know you're looking out for me, but I can take care of myself, okay?"

Despite her deep-rooted hatred for Derek and her conviction that he didn't really have feelings for Emily, Casey dropped the subject and started talking about girl stuff. Like shopping, and doing your nails, and bikini waxes. Ten minutes later, even though they were in school and ten minutes later would have been in the middle of class, she saw Sam across the hall. In her excitement of seeing Sam, her boyfriend, whom she was dating, she ditched Emily and rushed over to talk to him for the fifth time that morning. Because even though the show has made it perfectly clear that Casey has no interest in Sam at this point, the author is unoriginal and can't think of anything better to further the plot than a good cheating scandal. But you aren't supposed to know that yet. It's not like it was obvious from the text. Anyway, Casey made several cooing type noises at Sam, and Sam generally stood there doing nothing, because the author doesn't want to endear him as a character.

Then Casey magically appeared at home, which actually happens quite frequently without anyone noticing. Her mother, per usual, was cooking, cleaning and doing laundry all at once in quite a good impression of June Cleaver. Or Martha, without the jail sentence. George came home, looking angry, and marched up to Derek, who had conveniently appeared just beside Casey, allowing her to overhear the entire conversation.

"Derek!" George shouted, to gain his son's wavering attention and make him deaf in one fell swoop. "The principle called, despite the fact that I used the wrong homonym and principals usually don't call about individual grades. You're failing half your classes!"

"And this is news, how?" Derek wanted to know.  
"What was that?" George asked, fuming.

"I said," Derek repeated, "Who cares, Dad? It's just school."

George, who at this point was spluttering in his total anger and surprise that Derek didn't care about grades, yelled, "That's it! You're off the hockey team!"

"But Dad!" Derek said fearfully. "If I don't play hockey I can't get into University!" Because there's no way that Derek would be worried about loosing his favorite sport, high school status, and fangirls unless University was at stake.

"I don't care!" his dad yelled back. "You've had too many chances. You were going to be a bum anyway. Now go to your room!"

As Derek stomped up to his room, Nora interjected sweetly, "George, don't you think that was a little harsh? He is trying. Sort of."

Despite the fact that canon has George back down from punishments while Nora enforces them, George replied, "No, he needs discipline," and walked off angrily.

Casey felt really sorry for Derek, so she called up Sam to watch a romantic movie with her. When he arrived she kissed him on the cheek and they sat down on the couch. Five minutes later, Derek came downstairs for some food, and his Dad was so pissed off his vision was blurred and he didn't notice.

"My Dad says I can't play hockey," he randomly told Sam, who was watching Derek instead of his girlfriend or the movie.

"But dude!" Sam interjected helpfully. "You're, like, the best player on the team in like, 50 years or something. Coach just made you captain!"

"I know," Derek said with deep rooted sadness.

Shaking his head, Sam told him, "You're such a good friend, D-man. I don't know what I would do without you. I mean, you're loyal, and trustworthy and everything good in the world." This statement actually had nothing to do with their previous conversation, but it is relevant because otherwise they wouldn't feel guilty when he and Casey make out later.

"Thanks, man," Derek replied, not at all confused or weirded out by the sudden shift in topic. Then he went upstairs again, accidentally dropping part of his sandwich on the way.

"Don't worry, dear," Nora called, spontaneously called into existence by the mess. "I'll clean that up!" she hollered, then proceeded to before vanishing again. This is important because the author couldn't figure out how else to involve the parents in the story.

Sam left two hours later, and Casey went to Derek's room to make him feel better, despite the fact that she probably didn't care. Though it had been a while, Derek was still eating his sandwich and randomly laying on the bed, because who knows what teenage boys do when alone in their bedrooms?

Even though she was trying to be nice, she decided yelling at him would be more fun. "You're such a lazy pig!"

"Well your a stupid virgin bitch!" he replied, not even questioning why she randomly walked into his room to call him a pig.

"I'm not a virgin!" she yelled, and he stopped in shock and jealousy.

"Who did you sleep with?" he said softly and with deep hurt in his eyes.

Casey didn't notice, and thought he was being patronizing. "There's a lot you don't know about me. (Because that line has to be in every fic somewhere). I sleep with Sam, and at my old school I was a total skank. My mom decided I should become a new person when she married George, and I agreed because I can't think for myself."

"Wow, Case," he said, awed, "I never knew. Wait," he said suddenly. "There's no way you were the school slut!"

"And why not?" Casey wanted to know, though anyone who has seen Casey might react in a similar manner.

He got right up in her face, so their breath mingled intoxicatingly, to scream at her. "You're a goody goody!"

She flipped her hair, offended, and walked out of the room. Bet ya'll thought they were going to kiss, didn't you? Nope, I'm saving that for the next paragraph. Ha ha. Casey was really mad about what Derek said. _I'll show him_, she thought, going to the back of her closet where all her slut clothes were sitting in plain view. Grabbing some sexy lingerie, she changed, put on bright red lipstick and smoky eyeshadow, and walked through the halls to Derek's room. As soon as she walked through the door, Derek got a hard on, despite the fact that he was reading a magazine and hadn't seen her yet. She was just that attractive.

"Oh, Derek," she cooed sultrily. He looked up and started drooling.

"What's going on?" he said, scared.

"I have a present for you." She went up and started rubbing herself all over him, almost kissing him but not quite. He groaned, for no particular reason other than that she was being a tease and groaning sounds sexual, unless your female in which case you would moan. Upon hearing that, she happily jumped off him and walked across the room, almost leaving but not quite. "See, I told you," she said triumphantly.

He came across the room to yell at her, standing so close that the tension and desire radiated off their bodies. Before he could say anything, a phone started ringing. "One second," Casey said, reaching inside her bra to pull out the phone that Derek hadn't noticed. Wow, that must have been some padding. "Hey Emily," she said, not even phasing Derek.

"Casey, I was just thinking about how much I love Derek, and what a great friend you are, so I thought I'd call you and let you know. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. Well, bye!" Casey said goodbye, and the phone vanished in a puff of smoke.

Derek looked down at Casey's scantily clad body. She was just trying to prove a point, but they suddenly realized they were attracted to each other and not to the person they were dating. Instead of finding this disturbing, or even dumping their significant other, they came up with a plan. It was so genius and in character, with no possibility of it backfiring.

"Well," Casey said logically, because everything she does is smart. "We can find a solution to this."

"I know," Derek said in a totally random display fueled by his brain rather than his sexual desires. Really, I promise. "Let's make out!"

"Wow," Casey said, secretly impressed by this idea. "You actually came up with a good idea for once! Making out will totally get rid of this tension, rather than creating more." Rather than making out right then, they decided to meet after everyone went to bed. This is logical, because though Casey hadn't worried about people finding her in exciting underwear in her stepbrother's room, kissing him would be too risky.

After dinner, because that's when everyone goes to sleep, Casey slipped into Derek's room. Despite her dominatrix attitude earlier, she was beginning to have second thoughts.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Derek asked nobly, though he was gasping with suppressed passion.

"No," she breathed breathlessly with bated breath. He kissed her, choking a bit before he swallowed her protests. Pulling away, he licked his lips. "Okay," Casey shrugged, casually shoving her tongue in his mouth. They continued making out all night, never once thinking about sex.

But, lo and behold, the plan failed. It seems that making out only increased their passion for one another. Now who would have seen that coming? Soon they were making out every day after school.

One day everyone was gone. Derek and Casey came home and started making out. Suddenly, the lights went out because of the storm that had been called into existence by their passion. Despite the lack of electricity, the phone rang and Casey answered it. Two seconds later, she hung up the phone, telling Derek, "That was my mom. Everyone went to the store, but they were trapped by the storm. I think it's a hurricane, though we live in the middle of a land mass in Canadia."

"Wow," Derek replied, totally accepting of the fact that she got a three minute summary from a two second conversation. "Whatever will we do?" He was really asking this, and not being sarcastic, otherwise the other side of Casey couldn't return.

"I have a few ideas," she said, licking her lips sexily. Then she treated him to a home-made peep show, and he got really 'excited,' if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Picking her up, he carried her to his bedroom, laying her down gently before ravishing her. It was in that moment that they realized they really loved each other, rather than using each other to release sexual frustration. They immediately called up Sam and Emily, respectively, and dumped them. Then they had more sex.

But since the plot needs to be longer, the next day they met this girl named Taylor. She was a Senior, and even though everyone loved her, she was not typical. I can't think of how she was atypical, because she's just another fanfic writer, but the important thing is that she cast everyone under her spell. So even though she had a funky hair cut, and sometimes wore retro clothes and other times wore spiked belts, preppies (see how I cleverly inserted a term from the show?), geeks and outcasts alike all adored her. I really don't know why Derek and Casey hadn't noticed her before, but soon Derek, the coolest, hottest guy ever, found himself falling madly in love with her, even though he doesn't fall in love and he was already in love with Casey. Don't you love contradictions?

But, since Taylor wasn't a slutty bitch like the regular antagonists, she noticed Casey in love with Derek and kindly released him from her charms, though it hurt her incredibly to do so. Soon after, simply because the author can't bear to see herself end up with no one, a formerly unknown but incredibly gorgeous guy who was completely understanding and sweet, but not boring at all, asked Taylor out. He was so much better than Derek, and he and Taylor fell madly in love with each other. And since the author's egotistical nature has been satisfied, she can conveniently drop out of the story so the two main characters can get together again.

At this point it may seem like the author is mixing storylines, but she has actually combined several prewritten plots into one convenient package in a very clever manner for a deeper emotional response and reader turnout.

Derek and Casey decided they couldn't keep their relationship secret any longer, so they immediately went to Emily. Sam found out too, but the author can't show that because boys are boring.

"Emily," Casey began nervously. "I have something to tell you. I'm dating Derek."

"That's great, Casey!" Emily shrieked, because a normal jubilant squeal just doesn't give the same drama.

"But Emily," Casey asked, somehow managing to make everyone feel sorry for her, even though she was the one doing naughty things. "I thought you were madly in love with him! That's why I dated him behind your back!"

"Nope," Emily chirped, apparently working on her future as a bright yellow canary. Or maybe a parrot would fit her personality better. "I'm going to be a spinster. It's all the rage. I hear Alanna Banana became a nun!" she stage whispered excitedly.

"Okay," Casey shrugged, not the least bit disconcerted. Emily was a conformist, after all.

Then they went home and told their parents. George, because he's cool even though he's really strict, said, "Glad you snagged a good one, son."

Nora dusted off her pink, ruffled, floral apron and announced happily, "We're going to have such beautiful grandbabies!"

Then, since they don't have any siblings--wait, they do? Oh well, they were all at a friend's house--went upstairs to cuddle. Then they had sex a whole bunch, but since the mature author is completely clueless in the ways of the world, they never had any problems with pesky things like condoms or babies. They just lived sexily ever after. I mean, sexed up-ily ever after. No wait, isn't it happily ever after? Ah well, one of those.

**XYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXY**

So, don't know how that was. But I felt like writing another sarcastic thing. Hopefully it jump started my brain. Or something. The inspiration for this goes to TragicMiko, who wrote a sarcastic story and made me want to write another one. Let me know what you think.


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